[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
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I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*