I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.