You have been warned.
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2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
That’s enough internet for the day
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.