Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
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[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school