[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
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What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.