If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
he chose this
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I identify as an antique shop.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet