“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
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Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!