Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
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I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
why isn’t he texting back
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.