I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*