-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
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I’m half potato on my dad’s side
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”