I didn’t come here to be called names
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
This guy’s not having it 😆
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.