50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
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If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Guantanamo Bae
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.