I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
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The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
why no one uses midhusbands
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it