My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
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Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Strange
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
The funk soul brother
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”