How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
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I feel seen.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.