Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
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GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Breaking news:
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”