Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
You Might Also Like
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
The dark side of Canada
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.