I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas