*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
he looks great for his age
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
how high up are we talkin’?
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*