Canada has crack?
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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”