Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
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Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.