I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
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It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
shit just got real
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]