“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
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John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.