All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
You Might Also Like
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech