I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
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Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose