If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don鈥檛 touch the bandana
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
God: you鈥檙e a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that鈥檚 not true.
Llama: i鈥檓 a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don鈥檛 you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That鈥檚 right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I鈥檓 not at my laptop so I can鈥檛 answer you but don鈥檛 worry鈥擨鈥檓 eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
馃崨
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should鈥檝e ate them when they were alive.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”