Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
You Might Also Like
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth