ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
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I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent