If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
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Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Here’s a meme
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.