When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Just me?
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.