Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
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Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Lmaoo 😂
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.