You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
You Might Also Like
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏