*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic