The Last Dance just keeps getting better
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION