I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
O Wise One….
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.