rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
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I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*