COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
You Might Also Like
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.