I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Just parrot things
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!