My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
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The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
#titanic
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.