My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
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I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…