Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
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The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
This makes total sense…
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”