Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
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Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga