Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
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If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.