I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
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Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.