My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Not messing around
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Still my favourite meme.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.