No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
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[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
if a cop pulls u over play dead
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.