Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
and now we wait
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird