me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
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Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Netflix and awkward silence?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.