You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together