5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)